Definition
“Mommy. Can I ask you somesin?” came John’s voice from a face filled with anxiety.
Hmm. It is late Saturday night with the threats of no story, time out before breakfast and no dessert tomorrow still hanging in the air. My voice hoarse from just trying to get him to hurry up and brush his teeth and go to bed. He is just five and his baby brother is sleeping quietly upstairs. I was hoping to finish cleaning the kitchen tonight and be in bed by eleven.
But now this question hangs on his lips. A worry. A five year old fear shuffling his feet and slowing his bedtime routine. I have to let him ask it if I am to get any rest.
“Sweetheart, what is it?” I ask slowly then seat myself on the couch as he shuffles closer, now with no eye contact; never a good sign.
He sits next to me, sighing, his chubby cheeks drawn and his eyebrows furrowed with worry. Leaning into me, he speaks in almost a whisper. His legs now just long enough to touch the floor, but a word so big has crossed his lips that I put my hand to my mouth in surprise.
A question and a word pass those cute pouty lips that sounds so wrong in his still baby voice, I am temporarily speechless. My husband is working and I am alone with one of those questions I have feared since his birth. As a teacher I have books and explanations for just about every why is the sky blue variety but this one was trickier.
I was so certain it was someone at school who had been rude and introduced this crude word into his vocabulary. He just started kindergarten. Public school! Who had used this word and planted it in his naïve brain. Who was I to give it credence and definition? My mind scanned through each name on his class list and narrowed in on a few. I contemplated calling the teacher or approaching their mothers before school. I would call in sick. I would take care of this.
He was patiently waiting for my answer with his fingers folded on his lap, his eyes studying the tile, miles from the bathroom, the toothbrush and paste and even further from his bed. I could handle this. I don’t need to consult my husband.
“Why, John, did someone call you that?”
“No, but really why would you call that to a boy?”
Hmm. More specific. Now it is called to a boy. John has always been very verbal. He spoke very early and was inquisitive from the moment he started to put words together. He was also very patient and empathetic, always waiting quietly for a response and letting others have their turns. Now, though, he looked worried. Guilty? Why does this only happen on Saturday nights when I am home alone with him?
So I do what I do best, take a deep breath and dive in with information. I am full of it, information that is, and often offer too much. “Well it is a bad word for a boys’ privates. Sometimes boys say it to be rude and not nice, but we don’t say it. Ever. We would never use that to make fun of somebody, it’s a bad word.
Now I watch his chubby cheeks droop and color, he looks shocked. His brown eyes are wide and his mouth twists uncomfortably about to ask an even more important question but afraid to do so. He is quietly picking at the blanket near his legs.
I should have called my husband.
“Mommy, on my NFL football game for Xbox, it is rated E for everyone and it is for kids. I know it is ok for me to play it. On that game, Mommy, on that game they call a boy that name.”
That’s it! I am never answering another Saturday night question without backup to tell me when to shut up.
So I do what I know I must, confess. “John, Dick is also a boy’s name. I thought you said someone was calling you that name.”
“But Mommy, why would a Mommy name her baby after his privates?”
Hmmm. “I don’t know sweetheart. I don’t know. Let’s go brush and read your I SPY book.” Let’s do something safe before I can give you more inappropriate information!
Sunday afternoon as I unloaded the hundredth load of laundry into yet another empty basket in hopes it would be put away by morning, I hear John playing his X-Box football game. “Well, Dick, can you give us the stats on that player this game?”
I contemplate putting the game away just so I don’t need to relive my huge mistake again and again.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Lucky
For those who say...
"You don't know what it's like,
you moved out."
Out was required for the moving on to begin
To admit that I had to be the ONE.
College my near nirvana.
Packed myself, studied, worked,
graduated without much applause.
I ask,
"How much easier is it to be the one who
stayed,
watched from a distance,
settled in,
to a life that did not move
or the one afraid to look back?"
"You are so lucky,
you've always got so much."
I set their alarm for five-thirty
those of their children for six.
I weigh down a tote with books, papers,
hopes and dreams.
Journey in traffic to a place I graduated,
encouraging little ones bravery to take flight.
Stretch their days
working so hard,
head down, smiles up,
the hours are lost
in the love of teaching and being taught.
Trade tv channels for chapter books,
parties for papers.
Tuck them in at eleven
too tired to see what it is they have or have not
only thinking of what is to come.
Display the erasures,checkbook prayers.
Tour a house of imperfections, patches glaring.
Still comfort and cozy fill the space.
I ask,
"Where will you retire to when your life has been so tired?"
"You are so lucky,
you have a job, no one is hiring."
I turn back my own clock to the beds I made,
the sponges I filled, the notes I took, the books read,
laundry I was paid to do, the jobs I've had and the blocks I've walked.
Tally the hours I spread thoughts on pages no one else will ever see but me.
I would like to remind them that so many of those they found hiring
were soon firing and they should ask the mirror why.
"You don't know how hard it is,
your kids are so good."
I open the curtains allowing a glimpse of dinners shared.
Hours spent reading, discussing and just being near.
Time found in my own life gently given to them
for this small piece called childhood,
the selflessness necessary for forming another life
more important than the nutrition of pregnancy,
the projection of right.
I say to them, "You could be so lucky,
if you would look past me."
"You don't know what it's like,
you moved out."
Out was required for the moving on to begin
To admit that I had to be the ONE.
College my near nirvana.
Packed myself, studied, worked,
graduated without much applause.
I ask,
"How much easier is it to be the one who
stayed,
watched from a distance,
settled in,
to a life that did not move
or the one afraid to look back?"
"You are so lucky,
you've always got so much."
I set their alarm for five-thirty
those of their children for six.
I weigh down a tote with books, papers,
hopes and dreams.
Journey in traffic to a place I graduated,
encouraging little ones bravery to take flight.
Stretch their days
working so hard,
head down, smiles up,
the hours are lost
in the love of teaching and being taught.
Trade tv channels for chapter books,
parties for papers.
Tuck them in at eleven
too tired to see what it is they have or have not
only thinking of what is to come.
Display the erasures,checkbook prayers.
Tour a house of imperfections, patches glaring.
Still comfort and cozy fill the space.
I ask,
"Where will you retire to when your life has been so tired?"
"You are so lucky,
you have a job, no one is hiring."
I turn back my own clock to the beds I made,
the sponges I filled, the notes I took, the books read,
laundry I was paid to do, the jobs I've had and the blocks I've walked.
Tally the hours I spread thoughts on pages no one else will ever see but me.
I would like to remind them that so many of those they found hiring
were soon firing and they should ask the mirror why.
"You don't know how hard it is,
your kids are so good."
I open the curtains allowing a glimpse of dinners shared.
Hours spent reading, discussing and just being near.
Time found in my own life gently given to them
for this small piece called childhood,
the selflessness necessary for forming another life
more important than the nutrition of pregnancy,
the projection of right.
I say to them, "You could be so lucky,
if you would look past me."
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Dear Santa (2006)
Dear Santa
The standard Saturday morning table had been set. I had opened all the mail. Discarded most and organized the rest. The bills were piled neatly in order of urgency. Those to be mailed were stamped and waiting to go. Coupons were cut out.
Jeremy entered the dining room jogging and breathless bursting with a story to tell. “Mommy! Mommy WAIT!” he shouted, skidding to a stop.
I smiled, still seated at the table and waited for the story to flow from his cute pink lips, his cheeks red with excitement. His stories always came so quickly he would hardly have time to pause for breath and his hands would accompany him to indicate the urgency and punctuate the drama. My Jeremy, story teller.
“You CAN’T mail that yet. I’m not ready. I didn’t listen at school last day, Mommy. Next day I am gonna dance and sing. I didn’t wanna this day Mommy. Wait. Santa can’t know me yet. Save it. Can you put GI Joe guys on there too. I didn’t tell him Water Spiderman too. Can you put lots and lots of GI Joe guys, Mommy?” He stopped abruptly with his hands now resting at this sides and his lungs quickly drawing in air again. His head was tilted upward waiting for me to agree with him. He stood as an advertisement for Marvel Comics with his Spiderman tee shirt and jogging pants. Spiderman underwear under there too and of course no socks. He was always too hot for socks.
I tousled his fine hair and pulled him as best I could onto my lap. He was so big for four. When I was pregnant and the ultrasound revealed my second and last child would be a big boy I always thought as an adult he would be big, not at four. He was tall and solid. He was almost too big for me to pick up. Jeremy also did not like to sit still very long or be held much. I relished this opportunity to quiet his energy and try to have a conversation.
He was worried about Christmas now that it was only three weeks away. His grandparents and brother had warned him about being on the good list. Jeremy had heard the Christmas Carols warning of being good and nice. He had been spoken to by myself and my husband about his choices at preschool and doing his best. He was admitting yet again he had not complied.
I tried to stifle the giggle that was rumbling in my chest as he begged me to add to and hold onto his letter until he was ready to sing at circle time at preschool.
Preschool had been a struggle. His teachers had told us that he was a “young four” with that August first birthday. As an elementary school teacher I knew this was a nice way of saying he did not follow directions and was difficult. I braced myself and tried to help him search for talents that did not require silence or conformity.
“Jeremy you like music, why don’t you sing at school?”
He sighed, “Mommy, I like rock! I don’t like that baby stuff.”
It was true. His favorite bands were Tool and Foo Fighters. He had, as long as I can remember, disliked Raffi and Elmo. Even my CDs in my car were deemed Girl music and he would request I turn it off or change the station.
“Jeremy, we don’t have much time to send our letters to Santa. He needs to have time to get all your presents ready. Why didn’t you listen today?”
“Mommy, I don’t like that music. I told her I like rock.”
I slump into the dining room chair, the dishes I am clearing are suddenly too heavy. A sigh escapes me. Jeremy told his preschool teacher he does not like baby music. He likes rock. These are the reasons he cannot sing or dance nor participate in circle time activities so vital to four year old preschool. I felt this problem coming. I knew with his history of stubborn cool determination he would not cooperate. Jeremy’s older brother was nearly nine and his friends were Jeremy’s buddies too. He had little interest in Dora the Explorer or Sesame Street when there was Spongebob and X-box games. He never liked Raffi but preferred Foo Fighters.
Yelling from the backseat, “Turn off the girl music Mommy! Put on scary songs. I like rock!” With the speakers blaring a hard rock drum solo Jeremy would imitate them on his knees and in a deep voice try his best to sing songs much older than him. The Foo Fighters Best of the Best song has lyrics he could not possibly understand yet could scream each line.
Four year old honesty is not appreciated by preschool teachers when it comes to reasons one cannot participate. Now the pressure of Santa and making better choices so as not to appear naughty have changed things. Negotiations were underway on when best to mail the letter. Jeremy would not go to the mall with me because he did not want Santa to see him yet, did not want him to know him.
“Mommy Santa can’t know me yet!”
“Jeremy, Santa already knows you. He knows, like I do, that you are a good boy but sometimes you make the wrong choices. Sometimes you want things to be your way and if they are not you do things that are not always nice. You are still nice but the choices are not nice.”
“He can’t see me! He is miles away!” He screeches and runs upstairs to his room. Conversation over.
With only a few days left of school before break Jeremy said it was ok to mail the letter. He had joined in circle and sang the song.
I did my best to assure him he was going to be very happy because we all knew he was good. He counted down the days with his brother, both excited and unsure.
The standard Saturday morning table had been set. I had opened all the mail. Discarded most and organized the rest. The bills were piled neatly in order of urgency. Those to be mailed were stamped and waiting to go. Coupons were cut out.
Jeremy entered the dining room jogging and breathless bursting with a story to tell. “Mommy! Mommy WAIT!” he shouted, skidding to a stop.
I smiled, still seated at the table and waited for the story to flow from his cute pink lips, his cheeks red with excitement. His stories always came so quickly he would hardly have time to pause for breath and his hands would accompany him to indicate the urgency and punctuate the drama. My Jeremy, story teller.
“You CAN’T mail that yet. I’m not ready. I didn’t listen at school last day, Mommy. Next day I am gonna dance and sing. I didn’t wanna this day Mommy. Wait. Santa can’t know me yet. Save it. Can you put GI Joe guys on there too. I didn’t tell him Water Spiderman too. Can you put lots and lots of GI Joe guys, Mommy?” He stopped abruptly with his hands now resting at this sides and his lungs quickly drawing in air again. His head was tilted upward waiting for me to agree with him. He stood as an advertisement for Marvel Comics with his Spiderman tee shirt and jogging pants. Spiderman underwear under there too and of course no socks. He was always too hot for socks.
I tousled his fine hair and pulled him as best I could onto my lap. He was so big for four. When I was pregnant and the ultrasound revealed my second and last child would be a big boy I always thought as an adult he would be big, not at four. He was tall and solid. He was almost too big for me to pick up. Jeremy also did not like to sit still very long or be held much. I relished this opportunity to quiet his energy and try to have a conversation.
He was worried about Christmas now that it was only three weeks away. His grandparents and brother had warned him about being on the good list. Jeremy had heard the Christmas Carols warning of being good and nice. He had been spoken to by myself and my husband about his choices at preschool and doing his best. He was admitting yet again he had not complied.
I tried to stifle the giggle that was rumbling in my chest as he begged me to add to and hold onto his letter until he was ready to sing at circle time at preschool.
Preschool had been a struggle. His teachers had told us that he was a “young four” with that August first birthday. As an elementary school teacher I knew this was a nice way of saying he did not follow directions and was difficult. I braced myself and tried to help him search for talents that did not require silence or conformity.
“Jeremy you like music, why don’t you sing at school?”
He sighed, “Mommy, I like rock! I don’t like that baby stuff.”
It was true. His favorite bands were Tool and Foo Fighters. He had, as long as I can remember, disliked Raffi and Elmo. Even my CDs in my car were deemed Girl music and he would request I turn it off or change the station.
“Jeremy, we don’t have much time to send our letters to Santa. He needs to have time to get all your presents ready. Why didn’t you listen today?”
“Mommy, I don’t like that music. I told her I like rock.”
I slump into the dining room chair, the dishes I am clearing are suddenly too heavy. A sigh escapes me. Jeremy told his preschool teacher he does not like baby music. He likes rock. These are the reasons he cannot sing or dance nor participate in circle time activities so vital to four year old preschool. I felt this problem coming. I knew with his history of stubborn cool determination he would not cooperate. Jeremy’s older brother was nearly nine and his friends were Jeremy’s buddies too. He had little interest in Dora the Explorer or Sesame Street when there was Spongebob and X-box games. He never liked Raffi but preferred Foo Fighters.
Yelling from the backseat, “Turn off the girl music Mommy! Put on scary songs. I like rock!” With the speakers blaring a hard rock drum solo Jeremy would imitate them on his knees and in a deep voice try his best to sing songs much older than him. The Foo Fighters Best of the Best song has lyrics he could not possibly understand yet could scream each line.
Four year old honesty is not appreciated by preschool teachers when it comes to reasons one cannot participate. Now the pressure of Santa and making better choices so as not to appear naughty have changed things. Negotiations were underway on when best to mail the letter. Jeremy would not go to the mall with me because he did not want Santa to see him yet, did not want him to know him.
“Mommy Santa can’t know me yet!”
“Jeremy, Santa already knows you. He knows, like I do, that you are a good boy but sometimes you make the wrong choices. Sometimes you want things to be your way and if they are not you do things that are not always nice. You are still nice but the choices are not nice.”
“He can’t see me! He is miles away!” He screeches and runs upstairs to his room. Conversation over.
With only a few days left of school before break Jeremy said it was ok to mail the letter. He had joined in circle and sang the song.
I did my best to assure him he was going to be very happy because we all knew he was good. He counted down the days with his brother, both excited and unsure.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Gifts
There were two Christmas gifts for me this year that define us.
My husband and I shop on black Friday every year, actually in the middle of the night on Thursday. It is hectic and tiring but so many deals it cannot be missed. It is also our time. Alone. Tradition.
This year has been a little hard for me physically and I could feel he wanted to do something more than we could afford. He also wanted to make things better and that is sometimes not possible without medical training. While shopping he suggested two gifts to me. It was my husband's way of making everything better. You must understand we have been "dating" since we were teenagers so there is not much he does not know about me.
Gift #1 was a Garmin. My sony GPS had died and there were many frantic, "I am lost, I will be late, The construction isn't on my directions" calls. I get lost a lot but I also drive to a lot of places I have never been before. He is always on the other line and has this uncanny ability to know precisely where I am and where I should be going. Like magic really. He also calms me down about the being lost and never found and about being late and rescheduled or about the news I may hear. He is forever talking me down.
His favorite line is, "It is what it is. You can do this." I secretly whisper, "Because you are who you are."
Gift #2 was a smart phone for all the same reasons as #1.
With two gifts he said he could solve all my problems.
Even after having said that we knew that was not true but the intentions were right. The appointments and unknown would remain but I would never be lost or without his voice to talk me down.
My husband and I shop on black Friday every year, actually in the middle of the night on Thursday. It is hectic and tiring but so many deals it cannot be missed. It is also our time. Alone. Tradition.
This year has been a little hard for me physically and I could feel he wanted to do something more than we could afford. He also wanted to make things better and that is sometimes not possible without medical training. While shopping he suggested two gifts to me. It was my husband's way of making everything better. You must understand we have been "dating" since we were teenagers so there is not much he does not know about me.
Gift #1 was a Garmin. My sony GPS had died and there were many frantic, "I am lost, I will be late, The construction isn't on my directions" calls. I get lost a lot but I also drive to a lot of places I have never been before. He is always on the other line and has this uncanny ability to know precisely where I am and where I should be going. Like magic really. He also calms me down about the being lost and never found and about being late and rescheduled or about the news I may hear. He is forever talking me down.
His favorite line is, "It is what it is. You can do this." I secretly whisper, "Because you are who you are."
Gift #2 was a smart phone for all the same reasons as #1.
With two gifts he said he could solve all my problems.
Even after having said that we knew that was not true but the intentions were right. The appointments and unknown would remain but I would never be lost or without his voice to talk me down.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year, New You
My children are back to school today. I am alone with my tea and a messy house. We cleaned closets and found many clothes to donate. Not much else was accomplished winter break. John had surgery to remove a cyst from his eyebrow just before Christmas and he proved what a courageous and polite man he is even in the recovery room.
Reflecting on 2011 is a mixed one. There were so many wonderful things my children succeeded in and flourished. John, at almost six feet is amazing with great grades and athletic ability. He is a good friend to many and easy going. Jeremy is less shy and has had friends over and gone alone to their homes. An accomplishment! They have grown into two very kind and generous young men. I am so proud of them.
My husband has shown his dedication is unwavering and that he wears exhaustion well. We have continued on our no credit card trek. I am glad we have taken on paying off our debts together. The medical bills are mounting for me and I fear they may topple us. There is no end to the medical mysteries. I have met many wonderful people who are also doctors. They are working hard to help me. I managed to complicate things by smashing my toe but hoping it will heal properly. I have many resolutions to make this a healthier year and to give back to my family for all they have done for me.
We lost our dog Buzz in August and still miss him. The holidays were much quieter without him underfoot. I have made the mistake of going to pet stores and looking for puppies online. We have agreed to wait a year so that we can travel and adjust to losing a fifteen year old feisty dog that cannot be replaced.
Work has been wonderful this school year. I have loved all the new technology I have learned and even grown to love to teaching kindergarten and first graders whom last year scared me! Their teachers are all eager to help their students and I have enjoyed learning from them. Hopefully, I will be able to finish my ESL classes. I miss learning new things but our lack of credit has put a dent in coursework.
I must get back to my short story collections and novels I have started. I need to go to my writing group who has reached out to me so often. They are inspirational and just lovely. I need to remember I am a writer as well as all those other hats I wear.
Although 2012 has a lot of leftovers from 2011 for me I'd rather leave there, I will be as courageous as my teenager and as fun as my preteen. I will try to be as selfless as my husband and as hopeful as I was last year.
Welcome 2012.
Reflecting on 2011 is a mixed one. There were so many wonderful things my children succeeded in and flourished. John, at almost six feet is amazing with great grades and athletic ability. He is a good friend to many and easy going. Jeremy is less shy and has had friends over and gone alone to their homes. An accomplishment! They have grown into two very kind and generous young men. I am so proud of them.
My husband has shown his dedication is unwavering and that he wears exhaustion well. We have continued on our no credit card trek. I am glad we have taken on paying off our debts together. The medical bills are mounting for me and I fear they may topple us. There is no end to the medical mysteries. I have met many wonderful people who are also doctors. They are working hard to help me. I managed to complicate things by smashing my toe but hoping it will heal properly. I have many resolutions to make this a healthier year and to give back to my family for all they have done for me.
We lost our dog Buzz in August and still miss him. The holidays were much quieter without him underfoot. I have made the mistake of going to pet stores and looking for puppies online. We have agreed to wait a year so that we can travel and adjust to losing a fifteen year old feisty dog that cannot be replaced.
Work has been wonderful this school year. I have loved all the new technology I have learned and even grown to love to teaching kindergarten and first graders whom last year scared me! Their teachers are all eager to help their students and I have enjoyed learning from them. Hopefully, I will be able to finish my ESL classes. I miss learning new things but our lack of credit has put a dent in coursework.
I must get back to my short story collections and novels I have started. I need to go to my writing group who has reached out to me so often. They are inspirational and just lovely. I need to remember I am a writer as well as all those other hats I wear.
Although 2012 has a lot of leftovers from 2011 for me I'd rather leave there, I will be as courageous as my teenager and as fun as my preteen. I will try to be as selfless as my husband and as hopeful as I was last year.
Welcome 2012.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
From Outside
Sometimes life makes you an observer, an outsider to your own life. It is interesting the number of things you miss when you are in it, just getting through each day and too busy to really see.
In my latest medical mystery tour I have been physically slowed down, halted even and parked, made to watch all those events I orchestrate taken over or left aside. My children became more responsible and capable of doing more for themselves but still checking in with me, the head in the bed. My husband became everything, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, counselor, friend and cheerleader. I wonder how much harder it is to be the one not in the maylay of tests and pain and meds. I am a better patient than caretaker, he is a better caretaker than patient.
My coworkers assured me my absence was absorbed by them making me feel unnecessary. I worked hard to be back and in it again no matter how slowly I moved, how many meds calmed my firing nerves or cramping muscles. I chewed my cheek through the pain and was grateful for my students who made me necessary and never questioned my speed.
The more specialists I've seen the more side effects and mysteries are revealed. Sometimes I think I need a coordinator to make all their ideas equal one syndrome. A specialist is special to their one area but I think they forget they are all working on me. So I add to the list of questions, research them myself and forge ahead. I try not to make any diagnosis more me than me, otherwise being the head in the bed is too comfortable and I am afraid I will no longer want to hear and learn more and try to get better.
I notice people more who move slowly in crowds, who hold their breath as they sit and chew their cheek through each step. I hold more doors and ask more people if they need help. They more often ask me.
Thankfully I watch less and control more today than yesterday. I have more to monitor and watch and test but I am out of bed. I still see those who love me most take care of me best and have learned those who stay away are probably best left there, away.
And I am grateful to be back in it with the help I never noticed I had before.
In my latest medical mystery tour I have been physically slowed down, halted even and parked, made to watch all those events I orchestrate taken over or left aside. My children became more responsible and capable of doing more for themselves but still checking in with me, the head in the bed. My husband became everything, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, counselor, friend and cheerleader. I wonder how much harder it is to be the one not in the maylay of tests and pain and meds. I am a better patient than caretaker, he is a better caretaker than patient.
My coworkers assured me my absence was absorbed by them making me feel unnecessary. I worked hard to be back and in it again no matter how slowly I moved, how many meds calmed my firing nerves or cramping muscles. I chewed my cheek through the pain and was grateful for my students who made me necessary and never questioned my speed.
The more specialists I've seen the more side effects and mysteries are revealed. Sometimes I think I need a coordinator to make all their ideas equal one syndrome. A specialist is special to their one area but I think they forget they are all working on me. So I add to the list of questions, research them myself and forge ahead. I try not to make any diagnosis more me than me, otherwise being the head in the bed is too comfortable and I am afraid I will no longer want to hear and learn more and try to get better.
I notice people more who move slowly in crowds, who hold their breath as they sit and chew their cheek through each step. I hold more doors and ask more people if they need help. They more often ask me.
Thankfully I watch less and control more today than yesterday. I have more to monitor and watch and test but I am out of bed. I still see those who love me most take care of me best and have learned those who stay away are probably best left there, away.
And I am grateful to be back in it with the help I never noticed I had before.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Hike!
It is like waiting on the other side of a busy street for the boys to cross, to come to me. Looking left and right, frantically waiting for them to negotiate the speed and distance of oncoming traffic, to run, walk or wait. I am straining to see them through the crowd, never really watching the game itself only searching for their jersey numbers. I often yell out and wring my hands. I jump up and shout before I know I have left my chair.
"Hit someone!" the mother next to me shouts. These are words I will not utter at these grueling tackle football games.
"C'mon boys get them! Knock someone down!" another direction from parents near me.
I would shout, "Wait, wait, wait! Do you know long I labored with him? Do you know how big he was?" Or more importantly, "Time out! Spare his brain. He is so smart and sweet and kind."
But I don't. I yell, "Ooh! Uh! Ok, ok, ok," more for me than them.
I watch the bottom of each pile to see if it is one of my sons. If a coach runs down field to help an injured player I pray until I see them both stand.
I don't love this game. I love that they feel a part of a team: an important piece to something bigger than them. There is an appreciation for the mentoring there for one who is a "young heavy" and otherwise quiet and shy. The teenager who was once the young heavy is now the leader and rolemodel for those on his team. He carries himself differently when wearing his jersey. There is an acceptance that this is just another testerone laden activity I will never completely understand.
When this time of practice, games, laundry and worry over every ache and bruise is over, I know there will be an emptiness each fall. A place that is not filled by this football family of players and parents who have embraced my children in a way I was not prepared for. The name on the back of their jerseys represent what they do on the field and off. They have an audience of adults and peers that expect a lot and that has made me proud.
But cannot keep me in my seat. Or my hands still.
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