Definition (2002)

Definition

“Mommy. Can I ask you somesin?” came John’s voice from a face filled with anxiety.

Hmm. It is late Saturday night with the threats of no story, time out before breakfast and no dessert tomorrow still hanging in the air. My voice hoarse from just trying to get him to hurry up and brush his teeth and go to bed. He is just five and his baby brother is sleeping quietly upstairs. I was hoping to finish cleaning the kitchen tonight and be in bed by eleven.

But now this question hangs on his lips. A worry. A five year old fear shuffling his feet and slowing his bedtime routine. I have to let him ask it if I am to get any rest.

“Sweetheart, what is it?” I ask slowly then seat myself on the couch as he shuffles closer, now with no eye contact; never a good sign.

He sits next to me, sighing, his chubby cheeks drawn and his eyebrows furrowed with worry. Leaning into me, he speaks in almost a whisper. His legs now just long enough to touch the floor, but a word so big has crossed his lips that I put my hand to my mouth in surprise.

A question and a word pass those cute pouty lips that sounds so wrong in his still baby voice, I am temporarily speechless. My husband is working and I am alone with one of those questions I have feared since his birth. As a teacher I have books and explanations for just about every why is the sky blue variety but this one was trickier.
I was so certain it was someone at school who had been rude and introduced this crude word into his vocabulary. He just started kindergarten. Public school! Who had used this word and planted it in his naïve brain. Who was I to give it credence and definition? My mind scanned through each name on his class list and narrowed in on a few. I contemplated calling the teacher or approaching their mothers before school. I would call in sick. I would take care of this.

He was patiently waiting for my answer with his fingers folded on his lap, his eyes studying the tile, miles from the bathroom, the toothbrush and paste and even further from his bed. I could handle this. I don’t need to consult my husband.

“Why, John, did someone call you that?”

“No, but really why would you call that to a boy?”

Hmm. More specific. Now it is called to a boy. John has always been very verbal. He spoke very early and was inquisitive from the moment he started to put words together. He was also very patient and empathetic, always waiting quietly for a response and letting others have their turns. Now, though, he looked worried. Guilty? Why does this only happen on Saturday nights when I am home alone with him?

So I do what I do best, take a deep breath and dive in with information. I am full of it, information that is, and often offer too much. “Well it is a bad word for a boys’ privates. Sometimes boys say it to be rude and not nice, but we don’t say it. Ever. We would never use that to make fun of somebody, it’s a bad word.

Now I watch his chubby cheeks droop and color, he looks shocked. His brown eyes are wide and his mouth twists uncomfortably about to ask an even more important question but afraid to do so. He is quietly picking at the blanket near his legs.

I should have called my husband.

“Mommy, on my NFL football game for Xbox, it is rated E for everyone and it is for kids. I know it is ok for me to play it. On that game, Mommy, on that game they call a boy that name.”

That’s it! I am never answering another Saturday night question without backup to tell me when to shut up.

So I do what I know I must, confess. “John, Dick is also a boy’s name. I thought you said someone was calling you that name.”

“But Mommy, why would a Mommy name her baby after his privates?”

Hmmm. “I don’t know sweetheart. I don’t know. Let’s go brush and read your I SPY book.” Let’s do something safe before I can give you more inappropriate information!

Sunday afternoon as I unloaded the hundredth load of laundry into yet another empty basket in hopes it would be put away by morning, I hear John playing his X-Box football game. “Well, Dick, can you give us the stats on that player this game?”

I contemplate putting the game away just so I don’t need to relive my huge mistake again and again.