Worry etch-a-sketched its way across my face
Zig-zag connected its strength as fear between my eyes
Shook up time, smiles erased
Bold its lines, a harsh splash
from lash to temple
Aged, replaced who I thought I was
Taking direction from a biopsy’s preamble
Worry and waiting, giddy, held hands
A google searches hits
Terror in the text
Symptoms that all fit
While I held the phone
Held my breath
As the artist worry sketched,
Whispered death
The doctor apologized for the wait
Busy days
The news is great
The mass is benign
Worry’s voice faded
But her artwork remained
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Inventions
My sons have come up with some good ones over the past thirteen years.
My eight year old recently added an interesting invention to his collection of not so good ideas. I noticed in the shower that the shampoo seemed very watery. I mentioned it at dinner, proud of myself for remembering something for so many hours!, and he said "Oh, yeah I did that."
"Hmmm?"
"I added water to it to make more so we don't run out."
"Oh."
When my older son was four and a half and his little brother was a newborn he did not get as much attention as he needed and of course not as much supervision. His not so good idea, AKA invention, was meant to get him down the stairs faster. We have carpeted stairs and I noticed it looked really dirty right down the center. When I touched it, it was tacky and sticky.
My son saw me looking at it and asked if I knew how it worked.
"Uh, no"
"Do like this Mama. I made it go faster." And he slid down the stairs on his bottom.
"But how did you make it go faster?" I asked, wondering of course where I was while he was doing this. Oh yeah nursing an otherwise screaming new baby.
"I know it goes so, so fast. Now I get downstairs in no time, Mama." He was so proud. There are six whole stairs.
"What did you use?"
He scampered into the bathroom, his pants now sticky too.
He came out, smiling, holding up an empty jar of Vaseline.
Now we all get down the stairs faster!
Genius.
My eight year old recently added an interesting invention to his collection of not so good ideas. I noticed in the shower that the shampoo seemed very watery. I mentioned it at dinner, proud of myself for remembering something for so many hours!, and he said "Oh, yeah I did that."
"Hmmm?"
"I added water to it to make more so we don't run out."
"Oh."
When my older son was four and a half and his little brother was a newborn he did not get as much attention as he needed and of course not as much supervision. His not so good idea, AKA invention, was meant to get him down the stairs faster. We have carpeted stairs and I noticed it looked really dirty right down the center. When I touched it, it was tacky and sticky.
My son saw me looking at it and asked if I knew how it worked.
"Uh, no"
"Do like this Mama. I made it go faster." And he slid down the stairs on his bottom.
"But how did you make it go faster?" I asked, wondering of course where I was while he was doing this. Oh yeah nursing an otherwise screaming new baby.
"I know it goes so, so fast. Now I get downstairs in no time, Mama." He was so proud. There are six whole stairs.
"What did you use?"
He scampered into the bathroom, his pants now sticky too.
He came out, smiling, holding up an empty jar of Vaseline.
Now we all get down the stairs faster!
Genius.
Monday, February 28, 2011
R-E-L-I-E-F
So the doctor finally called and it is not the C word that I had so feared. The ominous ultrasound did not match the biopsies taken.
Still there. Still complicated. But now we can watch it. Even for months!
Nothing to be done right now.
So back to numbers 1 to 5. Getting off extra meds and still breathe, control sugar with diet and insulin if necessary, get blood pressure and pulse rate down, get rid of infections.
Ahh so easy now, right? Sure, part of me is still worried they missed something. Worried the part they did not biopsy is growing cancer.
But for now I have a lot of deals to fulfill I made to God if I could get this reprieve.
And then I will take a nap!
Still there. Still complicated. But now we can watch it. Even for months!
Nothing to be done right now.
So back to numbers 1 to 5. Getting off extra meds and still breathe, control sugar with diet and insulin if necessary, get blood pressure and pulse rate down, get rid of infections.
Ahh so easy now, right? Sure, part of me is still worried they missed something. Worried the part they did not biopsy is growing cancer.
But for now I have a lot of deals to fulfill I made to God if I could get this reprieve.
And then I will take a nap!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
One more thing...
It was all so accidental, maybe that is why I am so numb.
The doctor sat behind me put his hands on my neck and said swallow. It was aggravating. Really? I was having trouble breathing. I had made an appointment for antiobiotics and nebulizer meds February 7. The drama of the bronchitis/asthma had just started with the below zero temps and viruses everywhere. The visit was almost over and I was anxious to leave, to take more meds and get on with this regimend of getting well and, yes, making dinner.
He said it again.
He sat too long holding my neck.
You have a lump here. Do you feel that?
And that was it.
Do. You. Feel. This.
And I did. And I do. So often I have probably made it swollen.
Among so many other things, the breathing, the heart rate, the blood pressure, the chest pain, the insulin levels-- I felt clearly the lump in my throat as he held it and I swallowed against it.
How long had I felt it? I couldn't say. It did not hurt but was a pressure like his hands on my neck.
And now it has been ultrasounded, felt by many different doctors, questioned, prodded, scoped and biopsied. It is a mass in my thyroid. A solid, complicated tumor that is too large to watch but a few millimeters too small to remove immediately.
They say it is common to have a thyroid growth. Sure, mine has to be a bitch so close to my voicebox it has made my voice hoarse already. And solid, not fluid filled, not innocuous as many nodules are. Complicated. Yes, I know complicated.
But if it is that C word that has kept me up for a week then it is a good one to have, usually contained and behaves and is removable.
And that is it for now. Almost too much to be believed and digested. The journey has left me numb.
To wait several more days the results with my new husky voice, "How are you doing?"
... Hanging in there, tightly...
The doctor sat behind me put his hands on my neck and said swallow. It was aggravating. Really? I was having trouble breathing. I had made an appointment for antiobiotics and nebulizer meds February 7. The drama of the bronchitis/asthma had just started with the below zero temps and viruses everywhere. The visit was almost over and I was anxious to leave, to take more meds and get on with this regimend of getting well and, yes, making dinner.
He said it again.
He sat too long holding my neck.
You have a lump here. Do you feel that?
And that was it.
Do. You. Feel. This.
And I did. And I do. So often I have probably made it swollen.
Among so many other things, the breathing, the heart rate, the blood pressure, the chest pain, the insulin levels-- I felt clearly the lump in my throat as he held it and I swallowed against it.
How long had I felt it? I couldn't say. It did not hurt but was a pressure like his hands on my neck.
And now it has been ultrasounded, felt by many different doctors, questioned, prodded, scoped and biopsied. It is a mass in my thyroid. A solid, complicated tumor that is too large to watch but a few millimeters too small to remove immediately.
They say it is common to have a thyroid growth. Sure, mine has to be a bitch so close to my voicebox it has made my voice hoarse already. And solid, not fluid filled, not innocuous as many nodules are. Complicated. Yes, I know complicated.
But if it is that C word that has kept me up for a week then it is a good one to have, usually contained and behaves and is removable.
And that is it for now. Almost too much to be believed and digested. The journey has left me numb.
To wait several more days the results with my new husky voice, "How are you doing?"
... Hanging in there, tightly...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Still Learning
The learning curve continues...
I accidentally met the doctor who may have changed my opinion of doctors. The appointment was made with her because my doctor was only available during the afternoon and I desperately needed to get back to work where I was not an asthmatic trying to catch my breath. Sooo I made the appointment knowing I would be so much better by the time I saw her and this "episode" of bronchitis induced asthma would be done.
I went to work on Thursday knowing the doctor probably would not approve. I felt breathless so I took the elevator. The kids were so excited since I had been absent three days and that just does not happen to teachers. With each new group I let them do most of the talking. If I was being completely honest it was because I was light headed from trying to catch my breath and be jovial and keep it together. I knew I was a bit twilight looking. The day went by quickly with new groups every 27 minutes until 1. I stayed to organize what my team had already planned for me, grateful for their help. I felt I had done well, pulled something off. I left after 3 to pick up my son and bring him home. I made snacks. I ignored the cough and dizziness. I left for my follow up.
At 4:45 the doctor came in and asked how I was doing. I said better. She stopped and looked at me. Flustered I tried to explain how bad I had been on Sunday and Monday. This was better. How the breathing then was labored, the chest pain deep. She reviewed my chart astounded at the meds I am allergic to and the number of times I'd been to the office. She ordered a new EKG. Monday's was not so good. As she listened to my heart and lungs I knew the charade was over and only hoped she would help me and not send me off with more meds and another appointment.
The EKG was better but showed my heart was still working too hard to keep up with my breathing. My lungs were clearer. A breathing treatment was done. Prednisone was discussed. This was the decision I regretted. I had said no to prednisone on Monday and Tuesday thinking I could do this without it. Prednisone is a strong anti-inflammatory steroid that works beautifully for asthmatics but raises my blood sugar, makes me sweat, unable to sleep and causes such painful muscle cramps that I would rather be breathless. There was no denying her.
This new doctor gave me the people die of asthma everyday especially in this cold weather speech. I was to go to the emergency room. She had called ahead: chest xray, IV prednisone, breathing treatment, blood work and cardiac evaluation.
I thought of course of my kids, my husband, work. I had just told the boys I would be right back. My husband would want to join me and I could not worry him. I would not be going to work and reading stories to the kids tomorrow. And of course I was afraid and stunned.
"Go immediately, they are expecting you. I will be calling."
And I did, returning home at 3 AM.
And she has called every day, several times a day as I have gotten incrementally better, even though the prednisone is torturing me and I am doing insulin injections. She had encouraged me to get through it and not think of it all but each part individually. She is unusual in her thoughfulness and thoroughness.
She will not make my list.
(The emergency room was another story. A different kind of learning curve for another much longer blog.)
I accidentally met the doctor who may have changed my opinion of doctors. The appointment was made with her because my doctor was only available during the afternoon and I desperately needed to get back to work where I was not an asthmatic trying to catch my breath. Sooo I made the appointment knowing I would be so much better by the time I saw her and this "episode" of bronchitis induced asthma would be done.
I went to work on Thursday knowing the doctor probably would not approve. I felt breathless so I took the elevator. The kids were so excited since I had been absent three days and that just does not happen to teachers. With each new group I let them do most of the talking. If I was being completely honest it was because I was light headed from trying to catch my breath and be jovial and keep it together. I knew I was a bit twilight looking. The day went by quickly with new groups every 27 minutes until 1. I stayed to organize what my team had already planned for me, grateful for their help. I felt I had done well, pulled something off. I left after 3 to pick up my son and bring him home. I made snacks. I ignored the cough and dizziness. I left for my follow up.
At 4:45 the doctor came in and asked how I was doing. I said better. She stopped and looked at me. Flustered I tried to explain how bad I had been on Sunday and Monday. This was better. How the breathing then was labored, the chest pain deep. She reviewed my chart astounded at the meds I am allergic to and the number of times I'd been to the office. She ordered a new EKG. Monday's was not so good. As she listened to my heart and lungs I knew the charade was over and only hoped she would help me and not send me off with more meds and another appointment.
The EKG was better but showed my heart was still working too hard to keep up with my breathing. My lungs were clearer. A breathing treatment was done. Prednisone was discussed. This was the decision I regretted. I had said no to prednisone on Monday and Tuesday thinking I could do this without it. Prednisone is a strong anti-inflammatory steroid that works beautifully for asthmatics but raises my blood sugar, makes me sweat, unable to sleep and causes such painful muscle cramps that I would rather be breathless. There was no denying her.
This new doctor gave me the people die of asthma everyday especially in this cold weather speech. I was to go to the emergency room. She had called ahead: chest xray, IV prednisone, breathing treatment, blood work and cardiac evaluation.
I thought of course of my kids, my husband, work. I had just told the boys I would be right back. My husband would want to join me and I could not worry him. I would not be going to work and reading stories to the kids tomorrow. And of course I was afraid and stunned.
"Go immediately, they are expecting you. I will be calling."
And I did, returning home at 3 AM.
And she has called every day, several times a day as I have gotten incrementally better, even though the prednisone is torturing me and I am doing insulin injections. She had encouraged me to get through it and not think of it all but each part individually. She is unusual in her thoughfulness and thoroughness.
She will not make my list.
(The emergency room was another story. A different kind of learning curve for another much longer blog.)
Friday, February 11, 2011
Learning Curve
I've learned many things in the last 24 hours
1. People die from asthma everyday.
2. Blood clots have similar symptoms to asthma.
3. An ER with standing room only is not where you want to spend an evening and early morning.
4. Having "petite" veins is not at all positive.
5. Denying a disease will not make it go away.
6. Sometimes side effects are necessary.
7. Sometimes I am wrong.
8. Nurse's aides do not always come back "in one minute" or "two" or ever...
9. I did not have pulmonary blood clots causing chest pain.
10. I did not die from asthma.
1. People die from asthma everyday.
2. Blood clots have similar symptoms to asthma.
3. An ER with standing room only is not where you want to spend an evening and early morning.
4. Having "petite" veins is not at all positive.
5. Denying a disease will not make it go away.
6. Sometimes side effects are necessary.
7. Sometimes I am wrong.
8. Nurse's aides do not always come back "in one minute" or "two" or ever...
9. I did not have pulmonary blood clots causing chest pain.
10. I did not die from asthma.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I can speak in one word sentences and be completely understood but not always heard.
Ready? Teeth brushed? Rubberbands? Shoes? Seatbelt? Backpack? Lunch? Water bottle?
Ready? Teeth brushed? Rubberbands? Glove? Bag? Bat? Cup?
Ready? Hands washed?
Done? More? Dishes?
Shoes? Jersey? Mouth guard?
I think sometimes I go an entire day with my sons (and husband) only giving directives and I wonder if they've heard me. The days go by so quickly that when my alarm sounds at 5:40 I know I am already late and scrambling. Our weekends so jam packed that Friday night is an anticipation of Saturday. Sunday is a "oh, not already" and the preparations for tomorrow begin.
I remember my grandfather once told me that being 30 will not last long because you are so busy taking care of everyone else. He was exactly right.
I wonder and fear what 40 will be. Will it be more one word sentences? Less talking and more doing?
Ready? Teeth brushed? Face washed? Good night.
Ready? Life.
Ready? Teeth brushed? Rubberbands? Shoes? Seatbelt? Backpack? Lunch? Water bottle?
Ready? Teeth brushed? Rubberbands? Glove? Bag? Bat? Cup?
Ready? Hands washed?
Done? More? Dishes?
Shoes? Jersey? Mouth guard?
I think sometimes I go an entire day with my sons (and husband) only giving directives and I wonder if they've heard me. The days go by so quickly that when my alarm sounds at 5:40 I know I am already late and scrambling. Our weekends so jam packed that Friday night is an anticipation of Saturday. Sunday is a "oh, not already" and the preparations for tomorrow begin.
I remember my grandfather once told me that being 30 will not last long because you are so busy taking care of everyone else. He was exactly right.
I wonder and fear what 40 will be. Will it be more one word sentences? Less talking and more doing?
Ready? Teeth brushed? Face washed? Good night.
Ready? Life.
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