Blankie

I wish blankie was here.

We had two.
Each boy loved one, held it until it was lint then dust, then sweet memories.
Cherished it like another life.
Blankie held secrets, magical in its ability to solve all woes, quiet and still sobs. Blankie with its sweet musty smell like summer and the pure bliss of satisfied toddler sighs.
The easy dreaming and jubilant grins it brought so easily to my boys makes me ache for that time again when tragedy was salved with fabric.
What is a teen blankie? What is it that can be held and cherished?
A note from a girl?
Another's hand?
What can heal the fissure of failure when strike outs become common place?
What can return the joy when friends disappoint and girlfriends evaporate?

Blankie I miss your magic.

Einstein

"Do you know what Einstein's most famous quote is?"

I was not aware he had a famous quote other than that crazy E=MC business and if my little Einstein explains that to me I will have to hire a tutor and pull him out of public school. "Nope," I so intelligently reply watching him in the rearview mirror with his face hidden by the cover of his 50 American Heroes book that the Easter bunny so cleverly found for him, unable to purchase any toys that would interest him anymore.

"The fourth World War will be fought with sticks and stones."

"Huh." I digest this. Interesting. So Albert was an Einstein afterall. His mathematics did help to develop the very weapons that could wipe out humankind and this is his famous quote. So on the way to a haircut we discuss this. Nuclear warfare, intelligence, reducing the world to cavemen fighting with sticks and stones. It was an interesting ride. Just another fascinating conversation with my eight year old.

I do not have the courage to tell him that he has not qualified again for the gifted program at his school although he is repeatedly invited to be tested for it. He does amazingly well on state standardized tests yet cannot do well on the nonverbal portion of the Cogat test. So year after year his teachers are impressed with his vocabulary, wisdom and scores but that is not enough. They have never seen his journals of notes and projects. They have never watched him on the floor of his room reading his biographies or researching his latest interest. To them he is one student in a group of students who is quiet, shy and curious but will do his best no matter what is presented. He will conform.

I am going to ask them to stop testing him, to stop searching for the giftedness that is only revealed on their tests. Their constant wondering is taking away what is already there and making him doubt it himself.

"Did I make gifted?" he will ask me again in the fall. "No. They don't know it yet," I will answer holding his self-esteem gently in my hand.

Not their giftedness anyway.

Buzzy-ness

Buzz is a Jack Russel Terrier. Crazy, smart, loyal, yes but also nearly 15. He is losing his Buzzy-ness. The crazy is getting more pervasive than the smart. The loyal is there. He loves us just as much although he can hardly see or hear us.

He also loves the biscuits he seems to now live for. He knows they are in the pantry and he still runs to it after being outside, even if he has just had an "accident" on the floor. The pantry door is hit with his nose and he will sit or stand there until someone opens it and tosses him one. His catch has changed quite a bit. Once upon a time he jumped for it quite gracefully and ran around, woo wooing at us and shaking with joy. Now he frantically scours the floor, sometimes even diving into the tile trying to eat a shadow instead of a biscuit. I try to hand him the biscuit to avoid any damage to his snout but he cannot see well enough and often ends up snapping my fingers instead.

There are instances of the return of naughty Buzz and I laugh and clean up after the spunky old dog. Recently he took his Kong and dropped it into his water. It was full of peanut butter and biscuits which explains why it is stil his favorite. Dropping it into his water was a new trick. He usually ran up the stairs and dropped it down onto the tile floor to loosen the peanut butter. Clever, I know. Whining and looking into his bowl he looked guilty but also desperate, (see photo) as though asking me to please get it out. His attempts to get it out without the benefit of thumbs had created a small peanutty pond on the tile. I took it out and handed it to him and he promptly walked slowly up the stairs and dropped it down onto the tiled floor.

More and more there are hours he sleeps so soundly and still that we tap him just to be sure he is still with us. Buzz has rarely until this last year been still. It is true that a Jack Russel would rather run than walk and would rather howl and talk than sit obediently on your lap. He is a big dog in a a 23 pound package and he is slowly losing his Buzzy-ness, slowly leaving us. I try to wrap my head around this. Try to understand he will soon not be here but he takes up so much room for his size and personality that our house will be too large without him.

Ma

Mommy was the sweetest sound I had heard. I had waited most of my life to hear those sounds said in my direction. It was such a trusting sound. A sentence all its own. Its tone could convey concern, love, exclamation or need. My boys said it often. Yelled, screeched, cried and whispered it so close to my ear that that one word fullfilled me. As they grew up and away they let the word go slowly. I tried to keep it going. When I saw it lying there, I picked it up, dusted it off, gave it a squeeze and handed it gently back.

As the teen years tiptoed into my house and transformed my first born into a giant, a man with a guttural cracking voice referring to me as, "Ma," it was shocking. The word itself was no longer a term of endearment it was goat-like in its utterance, too close to baaa. A sound not so sweet, not so needy, just something to get me to look his way. I would almost prefer he called me by my first name, the way he does his friends with a chuckle but I know this was not part of the Mommy deal. I am not his friend and he does not need me the same way because I have done my job.

Once upon a time he took my cheeks in his hands and said, "Mommy, hear this. Hear this." Now there is more he does not want me to hear. His phone is constantly vibrating, texting fingers flying. Smirking more than smiling. When he catches me curiously looking at this man-boy I've created, "What?" is a constant question.

To hold the title of Mommy again would be nice. I know I do not need to wait long though, an illness will reduce him to his three year old voice and need, if not size.

My Wish

He is what I'd wished for. What I'd dreamed of while pregnant and rubbing the ever expanding belly. He had been a surprise. Even the fertility clinic insisted he could not exist. Delayed the tests that made his presence true. Maybe they were disappointed they were not responsible for his conception.

He has surprised us consistently since the day we knew he was part of our family. His love of learning and reading and finding out answers to his many wonderings has made my heart hum. Often his eight year old little pug nose is in a biography because he loves to learn facts about real people especially those he has learned about in school but the lessons weren't long enough or deep enough for his curiosities. Lately, he has discovered his older brother's stash of Dan Gutman books based on baseball card adventures and time travel. It is historical fiction at its best. Then he follows up the fiction with the reading of the biography. Some of the facts are beyond his eight years and he asks us many questions to work it out. His metacognition is strong.

"Mommy I know depression is like when that lady on the commercial is sad and she needs that medicine but it makes her have headaches and diarhea but in this book the people aren't sad they are in line at the bank for their money."

"That book's setting is during the depression. It was a time when the economy was failing and the banks could not give all the people all their money back. They were standing in line to get their own money back but some banks ran out."

"That would make me sad," he quips. Funny too.

"Yeah, me too. But you make me so happy," I say reaching to tousle his hair.

He smiles and exits quickly before I try to hug him.

Feelin' It

I should change my blog title to Joys of Medical Wanderings. Not finding much joy in my boys these days. Husband is insisting things will get better, trying to do things I like, Asking me how I am. Helping with everything. Loving me more than I can love myself.

And I felt it. Believed it, breathed deep with no cough and little pain and embraced it. Had so much fun on an overnight birthday celebration that I saw joy. I was relieved. I was ok.

Then...

Then. I put joy down to settle onto yet another exam table and I watched, shocked, as it ran away, down the hallway of the doctor's office without even looking back. No see ya later because with this specialists words I let it go. I didn't believe in it anymore, I would have tackled it and kicked its ass but joy sure can run fast when it is running away.

Can you feel that? Is now over a month old, is now a I can always feel it and it hurts.

ENT says rare complication, may be from biopsy. Hematoma? Inflamation?? Carotid artery is inflamed. Sooo high blood pressure and high pulse rate makes it dance the samba to an increasingly painful beat.

Trying not to think about it. Trying not to make anymore decisions. Thought it was the growth. Thought I could schedule surgery and get it taken care of. Apparently more complicated than that.

So I schedule another test. Wait for more results for another complication that was unexpected. Added to a list of things I'd wished away when I blew out the many candles on my birthday cake a few weeks ago.

I know complicated.

Worry's Art

Worry etch-a-sketched its way across my face
Zig-zag connected its strength as fear between my eyes
Shook up time, smiles erased
Bold its lines, a harsh splash
from lash to temple
Aged, replaced who I thought I was
Taking direction from a biopsy’s preamble
Worry and waiting, giddy, held hands

A google searches hits
Terror in the text
Symptoms that all fit
While I held the phone
Held my breath
As the artist worry sketched,
Whispered death

The doctor apologized for the wait
Busy days
The news is great
The mass is benign
Worry’s voice faded
But her artwork remained