Walker

When the doorbell rang I thought, Oh no! He did not walk! It was like I already knew.
I was just getting my flip flops on to see how after school care was going. I had his party invitations to pass out to his new friends. I held hope in my hand that he had gotten over the morning's anxiety at before school care and gone to the same gym after school as he was supposed to.
For a week I had walked him to school and stood outside the door waiting for eye contact and his slow sigh of relief as he saw me and his sweaty hand pressed into my palm. It was a treasure to be able to take him to school and pick him up without the pressures of rushing to my own job and just as crazily rushing home to him and his brother. The anxiety of stranger danger was not swelling in my chest yet. They were safe with me. The memories of summer still fresh.
As I opened the door there was his sweaty little face, looking guilty and nervous. I saw it all clearly before he opened his mouth to confess. He got in line with the walkers and left the building but I was not there. I was not there. He looked and looked and walked a little then a little more and he got scared. Afrai, of course, to admit he should not have left. Afraid, maybe, I'd left him. And he cried and cried. And I cried. My mind filled with the what could have gone wrongs. He walked alone for several blocks. I would not have allowed him to walk that far. The phone rang as I regained my voice, hoarse from the possibilities of tragedy settling there. The hysteria I was keeping at bay. It had been 20 minutes since school let out and after school care had taken attendance. To his elementary school he was missing. The woman I knew and loved, who had taken care of my children for years was calling to tell me Jeremy was missing.
No he is right here I told her and could only shake my head. My voice lost in the fear, in the guilt in the what ifs. He went to bed to cry. I held him and told him we would try again tomorrow.
Hopefully tomorrow he is handled tenderly so that he trusts his own decisions and goes to after school care without feeling bad for scaring the hell out of everyone.

I will be outside the door in case he forgets.